Going!
Hello!
I was speaking via gmail chat with Duncan last night, and he asked me how things were going. I responded with something along the lines of “Not incredibly, but they’re going!”
I wish I could re-express that. Things are going WELL. Right now, I’m in sunny, flat, extended-golf-course-esque Florida. My mom, younger brother and I are here visiting my hilarious retired grandparents. This is our second full day.
How are things going? Things are AMAZING. I’m EATING. Last night, I had ICE CREAM. Yesterday I had BREAKFAST. I went biking for the sake of biking, not for the sake of burning calories.
I’m sitting here, with my laptop on the glass deck table, with quiet sun on my arms and warm wind moving the wisps of my hair. I’m wearing a pink tanktop. I’m wearing white shorts. I’m comfortable.
I paused. I’m not thinking only positive thoughts. I feel large. These shorts were too big for me a while ago. It makes me gulp and get scary urges and mentally shiver. But it’s okay. It is.
The day we left for FL I had a doctors appointment. I had a new female doctor, and I ADORE HER. She was simultaneously professional and personable, which is exactly what I want and need from really any caregiver. First, a nurse took my height, weight, and blood pressure. I knew this was coming, so I preemptively asked if they could blind weigh me– weigh me so that I couldn’t see the number (and in turn flip fuck at the scale and have a panic attack right before flying). The nurse gave me a surprised but slightly sympathetic look and said sure. My blood pressure was higher than it has been in recent checkups, but I think it’s fine, because I’m getting less head rushes and I’m no longer fainting. (It was 102/86, for those of you who care =] )
During my physical, the only thing that was tricky/triggering was when the doctor saw scars from self-harm. She sort of went ” *poke* *poke* Sooo, these are marks from cutting….?” And it was awkward for a minute. Not dwelling on that, she continued and concluded that I didn’t have to have any lab work done! (YES!) She said my BMI is on the high end of perfectly healthy, but it’s totally fine, because most people who suddenly start eating normally and keeping it down gain weight. Apparently I gained a lot of weight during the baaad stages of bulimia because of delayed gastric emptying. Basically, my stomach/other organs sort of expected me to throw everything up, so when I didn’t, they just let the food chill there. Zap, see bad stomach aches, more bingeing… bad
State the Radio 